You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
no you cant smoke seaweed
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
