Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
