I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm at about main and main street
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
