Please, let me fuck your mom
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
