I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
