And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
