I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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