got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
