I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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