One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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