Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
