If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
