Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
