I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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