Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
