Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
