update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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