Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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