im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
