I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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