My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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