Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
