Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
as a side note pls kill me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
