nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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