dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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