dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
