Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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