just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
