giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
