he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
