i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
