Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
