why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
