if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
