dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
