Say something about gay babies.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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