You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
