Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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