I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
