I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
