my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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