We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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