I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
