So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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