my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
