You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
