Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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