It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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