just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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