I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
