Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
